For the past few days, I am tormented. I have been mad, infuriated with my dad's aggressors. Every time i think of my dad's pain and my family's emotional battle I couldn't help myself but to think of vengeance. Words would not be enough, imprisonment is not satisfactory enough, i wish they'd feel the same physical and emotional pain my father felt. But despite this resentment I could not go completely deaf to the voice within; not able to turn away from the peace, love, comfort emanating from a holier and a more powerful persona.
I ask, am I wrong to hate? is it a transgress to be vengeful to detestable people? Is it a sin to act and talk unrighteously when hurt and wronged?
Last Sunday, I attended our church service with a heavy heart but with a searching spirit. I prayed to seek for a right heart to worship Him at least by that time, to sing praises and listen to his words devoid with my own personal circumstances but unluckily, the prayer was not enough. My heart and spirit were the same. So heavy, so unwilling though inside I am already crying. The spiritual battle was fierce. I am aware of what is happening in the spiritual world. The devil has already had a foothold on me because of the anger and hatred i feel though the Holy Spirit is too unyielding to give up on me. I knew. I feel it.
While i was on this state, i had also been thinking of what is the best offertory message I can share on the last Sunday of November, because I was tasked to do the offertory then. Should I share my father's accident and how to give in times of difficulties like this? I was thinking, thinking, taking down notes of all the ideas coming in my head until a bible verse (though not exactly the same but these words just enters my head that time) struck me suddenly, it says "what is it for a man to love his brethren who loves him and hate his brethren who hates him, do not the evil doers even do that?" ~ (Bible verse: Matthew 5:43-48 "Love your enemy")
Right. It changed me in the inside. Not all at once but I must say I am in the process of change. The bitterness is slowly eroding, the hurt ego/pride facade, as i have thought we were impenetrable, are slowly melting down, and the hard block of hate and revenge are slowly drowning. All praises and glory to my Lord Jesus Christ.
It's not an easy process, i will never know when these vengeful and hatred spirits will hit me again but am praying the Holy Spirit guides not only me but all the members of the family. It's so easy to do and say wrong things at times of trials and tribulations especially when the lives of loved ones are involve but I knew too that i'll make no difference from these people if I will continue hating them, cursing them. I know justice will still serve by God's grace but now, what is important is my father is alive and he's recuperating fast. God's mercy, blessings, and protection is still with us.
These will all be a learning experience to my family and i hope to all of you who are reading my blog. May you be blessed by continue loving your brethren whether they be your loved ones or your enemies.
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another (John 13:34).
But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28).
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse (Romans 12:14).
We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it (1 Corinthians 4:12).
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:17-21).
Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:9).
Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble (1 John 2:9-10).
My dad, Gil M. Sotto, has almost gotten killed by 3 drunk-am the king of the world-self claimed men. Last 6th of November, my dad went to his farm. Upon arrival he saw that his plants (rice and vegetables) were ravaged by animals, which made him asked the wife of his tenant. The woman said, 'there was a black cow there a while ago'. My dad scolded her considering the fact that they were hired to look over the land most especially the plants. This incident, which we guessed made the wife tell her husband of her grievances against my dad and the husband in turn, went drinking with his buddies who in the first place were the owner of the animals which have been ransacking my dad's farm, meaning these 3 purported friends of our so-called tenant are already having resentments against my dad because I believe they don't want my father always advising them not to make his farm a pastureland for their animals.
While drinking they've planned of harming if not killing my dad. And at around 4 in the afternoon of the same day as my father approaches the group, because the house of these 3 is just along the way of going in and out of the farm, they've stopped my dad. Sensing that he's in danger my dad ran to the field heading towards his other tenants nevertheless, he was caught and was started beaten up by these 3 people (No, animals i must say). The first man strangled my dad and the other hit him on the head and face with a rock. And the 3rd man, who's supposedly the head of this premeditated murder, has drawn my father's bolo and supposed to stab by it if not seen and stopped by another relative of these 3 men. And as people start to piles up, the other tenants heard of the noises and saw the gathering of people, they ran and saw my father whom they couldn't almost even identify because of blood that almost covered his face so as with a swollen face as a result of the rock-hit. AS these 3 men saw my father's tenants approach they've admonished them that if they don't want to die they better not involve themselves. One of them, whom is already a part of the family since he has been with us for more than 20 years, said 'no, am not gonna fight with you I just want to rescue 'kuya'". Helped by another tenant, they've been able to brought my dad to home, on which upon arrival, my mom almost collapsed because of what she saw. They ran my dad to the hospital. Later, the tenant (Judas Escariot) came along crying and asking for forgiveness to my father saying he was drinking with them when the premeditation was made. Huh!
My dad, despite poverty and hardship to raise and educate 5 children, never wavers to shower us love, respect, and instill in us fear of God. He was the father who never stopped believing he can make us all finish our education even if it means he has to work double, triple time. No one stopped schooling amongst us. No one.
My dad, despite his age (he's 60) and fragility, even if his children are all degree holders never stops working, nurturing the lands he has acquired with hard work and diligence. He is also the person who always stands up for the farmers' rights against abusive government agrarian officials. He is a lay minister in the church, always ready to extend his hands to everyone who asks help from him. Some of the organizations he's affiliated with cannot even start any project and cannot make any decisions without my father. Honestly speaking, this incident could not have happened if my dad wasn't thinking of his responsibilities to the people and to the community at large. He is not a politician but a philanthropist on his own right. He was here in Manila last weekend, visiting his parents' grave. He went home last Monday in spite of our protestation just to attend a meeting about giving a loan to farmers who cannot afford to till their lands because of high prices of fertilizers and pesticides necessary to grow grains and other plants.
My father's aggressors, Dennis Agcaoili, Celo and Erwin Rumbaoa, have no right to harm my father.
Arrogant as it may sound but they've touched the wrong person. My dad is the most protected person amongst the Sotto family. If he got sick everybody is in a commotion, everyone's in tears. Now, they've harmed him. They've even almost killed him. The Sotto's will never let this pass. Never let them go. Never let them have peace of mind until they've felt the same pain they've inflicted my father. They've never seen the Sottos got mad, now they'll see what we can do to people like them. Yes, the judgement and comdemnation don't rest upon us but definitely we'll never, never keep quiet and we'll use every legal actions to have justice achieve.
You cannot imagine what the family is going through now. The pain of my dad, his agony of being hit and choked by stronger and younger men than him, him almost got stabbed by a bolo... it's a nightmare to all of us. It's haunting and taunting us. No, we'll never let this go easy for them.
People of Sta.Ana especially these people who have the guts to touch my dad never knew who our family really are and what we are capable of doing. But though we have the resources now to have their feet on the ground what we are most proud of is we know who we have on our side. God.
One day I woke early in the morning to watch the sunrise.Ah, the beauty of God’s creation is beyond description.As I watched, I praised God for His beautiful work.As I sat there the Lord brought His presence on me, He asked me,“Do you love me?” I answered,“Of course God! You are my Lord and my Savior.”Then He asked.If you were physically handicapped, would you still love me?” I was perplexed. I looked down upon my arms, legs, and the rest of my body and wondered how many things I wouldn’t be able to do, the things that I took for granted.And I answered. “It would be tough Lord but I would still love you.”
Then the Lord said.“If you were blind, would you still love my creation?” How could I love something without being able to see it? Then I thought of all the blind people in the world and how many of them still love God and His creation.So I answered, ”It would be hard but I would still love you.”
The Lord then asked me, “If you were deaf, would you still listen to my word?” How could I listen to anything being deaf? Then I understood, listening to God’s word is not merely using our ears but our hearts. I answered, “It might be unbearable but I would still love your word.”
Then the Lord asked, if you were mute, would you still praise my name?” How could I praise without a voice? Then it occurred to me, God wants us to sing from our very heart and soul. It never matters what we sound like. And praising God is not always with song but when we are persecuted. We give God praise with our words of thanks…so I answered, though I could not physically sing, I would still praise your name.”
And the Lord asked. ‘Do you really love me? With courage and a strong conviction I answered boldly, “Yes Lord! I love you because you are the one, the true God!”
I thought that I had answered well but God asked, “Then why do you sin? I answered, “Because I am only human. I am not perfect.”Then why in times of peace do you stray the furthest? Why only in times of trouble do you pray the earnest?”NO ANSWER…ONLY TEARS.
The Lord continued. “Why only sing at fellowship and retreat? Why seek me only in times of worship? Why ask things so selfishly? Why ask things so unfaithfully?” The tears continued to roll down my cheek.
Why are you ashamed of me? Why are you not spreading the good news? Why in times of persecution, you cry to others when I offer my shoulder to cry on? Why make excuses when I give you opportunities to serve my name? I tried to answer but there was no answer to give.
“You are blessed with life. I made you not to throw this gift away. I have blessed you with talents to serve me but you continue to turn away. I have spoken to you but your ears were closed. I have shown my blessings to you but your eyes turned away. I have sent you servants but you pushed them away. I have heard your prayer and I have answered them all.”DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME?”
I could not answer. How could I? I was embarrassed beyond belief. I have no excuse. What could I say to this? When my heart had cried out and the tears had flown, I said, “Please forgive me Lord. I am unworthy to be your child.”
The Lord answer, “Because you are my creation, you are my child. I will never abandon you, when you cry, I will have compassion and cry with you. When you scream in joy, I will laugh with you. When you are down, I will encourage you. When you fall, I will raise you up. When you are tired, I will carry you. I will be with you till the end of the days and I will love you forever.”
Never had I cried so hard before. How could I have been so cold? How could I have hurt God as I had done? I asked God, “How much do you love me? And the Lord stretched out His arms, as they were nailed to the cross.
“Long before he laid down earth’s foundation, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love…long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, He had his eyes on us, had designs on us for glorious living.”
Paul says,” No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him” (1 Cor.2:9), he simply means we cannot out dream God. His plans (Jer.29:11), his desire to pursue thousands of ships just to win us back from our transgressions; the truth still lies we can never transcend nor fathom what He has and still storing for us in heaven. As Jesus promised us in his words (John14:2) “I’m going…to prepare a place for you in Heaven”, and in revelation 2:17 where He declares boldly, “There (in heaven) we (his beloveds) shall receive our new name, known only to our Lover, which he shall give to us on a white stone”-It is the man own symbol,-his soul’s picture, in a word-the sign which belongs to him and to no one else. Who can give a man this, his own name? God alone. For no one but God sees what the man is…he shall give us this at the time we are worthy of it.
Stay in God’s holy road-the road less traveled by- with Faith and Hope in your heart for Faith looks back and draws courage; Hope looks ahead and keeps desire alive. In your journey do not just bring faith and hope with you but keep close at hand Memory-for it draws you back in the past; thus, give you hope, Imagination-to let desire burning, and Passion-to increase glory. These we must keep close at hand to see the journey to its end. Yes, dragons and nits and the noonday demons lie in wait. But the road is not entirely rough. There are oases along the way. It would be dreadful mistake to assume hat our beloved is only waiting for us at the end of the road. Our communion with him sustains us along our path.
“So long as we imagine that it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about; He is looking for us. And so we can afford to recognize that very often we are not looking for God; far from it, we are in full flight from Him, in high rebellion against Him. And He knows that and has taken it into account. He has followed us into our own darkness; there where we thought finally to escape him, we run straight into his arms. So we do not have to erect a false piety for ourselves, to give us the hope of salvation. Our hope is in his determination to save us, and he will not give in. (Prayer)
The true story of every person in this world is not the story you see, the external story. The true story of each person is the journey of his or her heart. Jesus himself knew that if people lived only in the outer story, eventually they would lose tract of their inner life, the life of their heart he so much desired to redeem. Indeed, it was to the most religious people of his time that Jesus spoke his strongest warnings about a loss of heart.
The inner life, the story of our heart, is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. It is the unseen life, the mystery within. It does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, and ecstasy: these are what rouse the heart.
Had you ever experienced waking up one day feeling emotionally down or had felt there is an empty hole inside your heart, longing for something we cannot explain or had you ever been yearning of the love of someone you cared? Had you ever got the feeling that there is a little voice in your heart, which dares to speak to you whether you are in your sole solemn moments or you are in your most busyness times, trying to tell you there is something missing in your life, not knowing it is God speaking to us in our heart? We might not be aware but all of these are what we call “THE JOURNEY OF OUR HEART”.
I.Losing Heart
The life of the heart is a place of great mystery. Yet we have many expressions to help us express this flame of the human soul.We describe a person without compassion as “ heartless” and we urge him or her to “have a heart”.Our deepest hurts we call “heartaches”. Jilted lovers are “brokenhearted”.The truly evil are “black-hearted” and saints have “hearts of gold”.If we need to speak at the most intimate level, we ask for a “heart-to-heart” talk. And when we love someone as truly as we may, we love “with all our heart”. But when we lose our passion for life, when deadness sets in which we cannot seem to shake, we confess, “My heart’s just not in it”.
In the end, it doesn’t matter how well we performed or what we have accomplished- a life without heart is not worth living. Because it is in our heart that we first hear the voice of God and it is in the heart that we come to know him and learn in his love. So you can see that to lose heart is to lose everything. And a “loss of heart” best describes us today, we become so much addicted in our depressions, heartaches, insecurities, though, God knows, there is enough of these to lose heart. But there is the busyness, the drivenness, and the fact that most of us are living merely to survive. Beneath it we feel empty, lacking, missing something, we feel restless, weary, and vulnerable.
For what shall we do when we wake one day to find we have lost touch with our heart and with it the very refuge where God’s presence resides?
Starting very early, life has taught of us to ignore and distrust the deepest yearnings of our heart. Life, for the most part, teaches us to suppress our longing and live only in the external world where efficiency and performance are everything. We have learned from our parents and peers, at school, at work, and even from our spiritual mentors that something else is wanted from us other than our heart, which is to say, that which is most deeply us.Very seldom are we invited to live out of our heart. If we are wanted, we are often wanted for what we can offer functionally. If rich, we are honoredfor our wealth; If beautiful, for our looks; If intelligent, for our brains. So we learn to offer only those parts of us that are approved, living out a carefully crafted performance to gain acceptance from those who represent life to us. We divorce ourselves from our heart and begin to live a double life.
On the outside, there is the external story of our lives. This is the life everyone sees, our life of work, activities, and church, of family and friends, studying and busyness, and growing older. Our external story is where we carve out the identity most others known. It is the place where we have learned to label each other in a way we can be accepted; It is the place where we only acknowledge and accredit those who perform well, those people whom we know could foment or fit our personality. These, though is hard to admit, it substitutes for meaning, efficiency and busyness substitute for creativity, and acceptance substitutes for love. In the outer life we live from ought (I ought to do this) rather than from desire (I want to do this) and management substitutes for mystery.
There is a spiritual dimension to this external world in our desire to do good works, but communion with God is replaced by activity for God. There is little time in this outer world for deep questions. Given the right plan, everything in life can be managed…except your heart. It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency and acceptance but passion. Again the heart can be aroused by art, poetry, mystery, and ecstasy. Indeed, they are the language that must be spoken if one wishes to speak with the heart. It is why Jesus so often taught and related to people by telling stories and asking questions. His desire was not just to engage their intellects but to capture their hearts.
Indeed, if we will listen, a Sacred Romance calls to us through our heart every moment of our lives. It whispers to us on the wind, invites us through the laughter of good friends, reaches out to us through the touch of someone we love. We’ve heard it in our favorite music, been drawn to it while watching the shimmer of a sunset. The romance is even present in times of great suffering. Something calls to us through experiences like these and rouses an inconsolable deep longing within our heart, wakening in us a yearning for intimacy, beauty, and adventure. It fuels our search for meaning, for wholeness, for a sense of being truly alive. And this deep desire is the most indispensable thing about us, our heart of hearts, the passion of our life. And the voice that calls to us in this place is none other than the voice of God. And for this invitation of God to a life of beauty, intimacy, and adventure that we thought was lost and finally found we responded in faith, in hope, and in love and begun the journey we call the Christian life. Each day seemed a new adventure, a new beginning as we rediscovered the world with God by our side.
But for most of us, the waves of first love ebbed away in the whirlwind of Christian service and activity, and we begun to lose the Romance. Our faith began to feel more like a series of a problem that needed to be solved or principles that had to be mastered before we could finally enter into the abundant life promised us by Christ. We moved our spiritual life into the outer world of activity, and internally we drifted. We embraced the world of busyness as a way of fixing it trying to cover the wrongness we sensed. We tried the latest spiritual fad, or simply redouble our commitment to make faith work. Still, we found ourselves weary, jaded, or bored. Until at one point in our spiritual pilgrimage, we stopped to ask ourselves this question: “What is it that I am supposed to be doing to live the spiritual life in a way that is both truthful and passionately alive?
What we want to say really is simply “ our hearts are telling us the truth- there is something missing!
II. The Centrality of the Heart
For above all else, the Christian life is a love affair of the heart. It cannot be managed with steps and programs. It cannot be lived primarily as a set of principles or ethics. It cannot be lived exclusively as a moral code leading to righteousness. As Jesus said “’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and Love your neighbor as yourself”.” Do this and you will live”.
The truth of the gospel is intended to free us to love God and others with our whole heart. When we ignore this heart aspect of our faith and try to live out our religion solely as correct doctrine or ethics, our passion is crippled, or perverted. Throughout the Old and new testaments, the life of the heart is clearly God’s central life of ritual and observance, God lamented, “These people …honor me with their lips. But their hearts are far from me” (Isa. 29:13).
Our hearts are the key to the Christian life.
The apostle Paul informs us that hardness of the heart is behind all the addictions and evils of the human race (Rom.1:21-25). God perceived by the heart. This is why God tells us in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” He knows that to lose heart is to lose everything. Sadly, most of us watch the oil in our car carefully than we watch over the life of our heart.
III. The Message of the Arrow
At some point we all faced and experienced to be struck by an arrow- we all felt the pain and the disturbing horror it brings. These arrows come to us whether through a loss we experience as abandonment or some deep violation we feel as abuse, their message is always the same: Kill your heart, divorce it, neglect it, run from it or indulge it with some anesthetic (our various addictions). To say we all face a decision when an arrow pierces us is misleading. Life isn’t like that- the heart cannot be managed in a detached sort of way. If you’ll listen carefully to your life, you may begin to see how it has been shaped by the unique arrows you’ve known and the particular convictions you’ve embraced as a result the arrows also taint and partially direct our spiritual life.
“Becoming a Christian”, however, does not necessarily solve the dilemma of the arrows, as I was soon to realized. It still lodged deep and refused to allow some angry wound inside to heal. Many of our stories of the heart can be of relatable to others, even though the scenes of our outer story shows different. Many would agree, especially the older Christians, if I say that the sense of being part of some bigger story, a purposeful adventure that is the Christian life, begins to drain away again after those first-love years. Instead of a love affair with God, your life begins to feel more like a series of repetitive acts, like reading the same chapter of a book and experiencing the same dilemmas over and over again. Somehow our head and our heart are on separate journeys and neither feels like life.
Eventually this division of head and heart culminates in one of two directions. We either deaden our heart or divide our life into two parts, where our outer story becomes the theater of the should and our inner story the theater of needs, the place where we quench the thirst of our heart with whatever water is available. But whether we choose the former or the latter, and let live with where we could find the “water”: In sexual fantasies, alcohol, being workaholic, gaining more knowledge thru religious seminars- whichever path we choose, heart deadness or heart and head separation- the arrows win and we lose heart.
This is the story of our lives… The haunting of the Romance and the Message of the arrows are so radically different and seem to split our hearts in two. The Romance is full of hope, beauty, and love; the arrows are equally devastating and ugly. The romance promises a life of wholeness thru deep connections with the great heart of God. The arrows deny it telling us,” you are on your own”. The Romance says, “ This world is a benevolent place”. The arrows mock such naiveté, warning us,” Just watch yourself- disaster is a moment away,” The Romance invites us to trust. The Arrows intimidate us into self-reliance…It is as if we have all been “set up” for a loss of heart.
Now reality strikes us again, confusion tears our hearts once more…, which is a truer message? If we try to hang on to the Romance, what are we to do with our wounds and the awful tragedies of life? How can we keep our heart alive in the face of such deadly Arrows? How many loses can our heart take? If we deny the wounds or try to minimize them, we deny a part of our heart. On the other hand, if we try to embrace the Arrows as the final word on life, we despair, which is another way to lose heart. To lose hope has the same effect on our heart as it would be to stop breathing…and again we yearn if only there were someone to help us reconcile our deepest longings with our greatest fears.
IV. The Basic Reality:
Since childhood we already lived in a story. Why story? The deepest convictions in our heart are formed by stories and reside there in the images and emotions of story. Life is a series of dramatic scenes. The pain, the laughter, the emotions, the different situations, and the fact that life are full of webs and tangles; these constitute the drama of the story of the heart. As Eugene Peterson said,” We live in narrative, we live in story. Existence has a story shape to it. We have beginning and an end, we have a plot, we have characters”. And as Elie Wiesel suggests “God created man because he loves stories”. The biggest part or rather the main theme of this story is the Arrow and the haunting of the Romance.
Life’s story is always divided into two roads-either the arrow or the romance- and we are always trap in a decision, what road will we choose? In my case I have been into lots of decisions but until now I am still a tender footed beginner when it comes to making decisions. I am still trap on what would be a better way. I am still in chains of hurts and frustrations and still in the auspices of my confused emotions.
Today, there is only one thing that is clear to me“My heart is not alone on its journey, I always have a Hero, I always have a redeemer even in the beginning of time”.
I am an ONLINE ENGLISH TEACHER and I am running an online English school. If you are interested to know more about English online study you can contact me at skype id: photogenic123 or visit our website www.oeiplus.com
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